You don't want me to be your legal guardian. Oh, I make a good enough conservator. I will watch your funds and be sure your bills are paid. I won't hand over piles of cash to your son the gambler, even though you did. I won't pay my bills from your account. No fuzzy accounting, no cooked books.
However, you do not want me as your guardian. I believe in quality of life. Medical science is like magic these days and can cure or stabilize almost any disease. But if you have me as your guardian, and you are totally vegetative, I am going to pull your plug. It might hurt like hell, and I might drip tears on the forms to be signed, but I will do it.
I would not do it for me, because I am tired of the situation, or tired of having to keep going to see you. I would do it because no one deserves to hae so much loss of self and dignity that machines keep them alive when there is no hope whatsoever for any cognitive function ever again.
I was both conservator and guardian for my mother. She had terminal lung cancer that had spread. My brother, my nephew, and I provided 24/7 hands on care for her at home for six months. She was alert, but pretty helpless. She lost use of her legs once the cancer had metastasized into her spine. My brother, my nephew and I all worked full time. The schedule was exhausting, but we had promised no nursing home care. We had care providers coming to the house for things we were not skilled to do.
I remember lifting my mother myself to put her on the portapotty seat. She was totally dead weight. I was about 100 lbs, she was about 80. It still wasn't easy for my to lift her with no assistance from her at all. I am grateful I was strong from martial arts, and grateful that I never dropped her.
Eventually, she was hospitalized. I signed for the do not resuscitate order. She knew I would. She knew I was the one family member who would make decisions based on what she wanted and not what I wanted. She did not want to linger or suffer. More than once I asked the doctors to raise her morphine dose. Eventually, they did raise it enough. She died peacefully in her sleep with no codes, no crushed ribs, and no hoopla, just the way she wanted it.
I feel the same way about myself, and have slowly tried to get the thought planted in my daughter's mind not to artificially keep me alive if there isn't any hope. I hope if she is ever faced with the choice, she will make the right one. Yes, I can make up papers ahead of time, taking the choice out of her hands. But if she doesn't feel right with it, it will haunt her forever.
Sigh, some families hand down recipes for cheesecake as tradition.
8 comments:
I admire you for doing what your mom wanted:)
Deb
Yep, donate my body to medical science. Have them send back the ashes for free. Scatter them in my favorite places around the world. Wear some in a locket if you want. Here's your grandmother's recipes for curried tuna salad, frosted brownies and prune whip you can put out after the memorial service. Maybe not the prune whip. Maybe just have the whole thing catered. Whatever. Mrs. L
I totally agree. My sister and I had to ask doctors to stop operating on our mother repeatedly when she had no quality of life left; I did for my mother what I'd want done for me.
My children and stepkids all remember my own mother's year long illness and death with lung cancer. She smoked and drank for years and finally quit, too late, but had 5 years of a wonderful life before she became ill. She died peacefully at home. I know in my heart my children would do the same for me. Thankfully none of them smoke, but it's the alcohol thing that they think they must experience for themselves. They don't seem to get the whole concept that alcohol abuse runs in families. Kids don't want to be bothered with such thoughts of our deaths. I remember after my mom died my daughter made me promise to live to a old age.
Rose~
Susan,
You really need to convince your daughter of your wishes,
and make her promise you to follow your orders to a tee.
Even with a living will signed by you, your family once you
are totally incapacitated can override it. I've seen it happen
too many times.
Connie
I hope that she does realize your wishes.
My mother and grandmother have both expressed their wants to me and I understand what I am to do.
Hugs,
Kathi
My Aunt died of lung cancer several weeks ago. I know how terrible it must have been for you.
I have the same opinion. I know my husband and my kids feel the same way, so I can rest easy about that one.
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