Ketchup, catsup

That tomato-based condiment is about the only thing I didn't find in my pantry today. (I just had made a typo, and realized I had typed "panty" and I am very glad I caught that error!) I just cleaned out and washed down my pantry, and I am next going to rip up that part of the floor. Only that piece and under the stove and refrigerator are left to pull up. Now, with no segue, onto what is really on my mind.

My personality has changed. I have been reflecting on this lately. As I mentioned, I have time to reflect when working with my hands. I used to have perfect closets and drawers. Even if my rooms were messy, you could count on my closets and drawers being neat and orderly at any time. Always. Not so true any more. I still straighten them regularly, but they get a bit messy between times.

I used to be more assertive. I have become more timid, passive. I don't think this is related to the fact that I had to be downright confrontive and sometimes aggressive with people in my job in child abuse. I think something has changed inside me.

When I went to an allergist to find out if I am developing allergies, and if so, to what, she insisted I get a pneumonia vaccine. This was maybe 3 years ago? I didn't want it. I have only had pneumonia once in my life. I am not prone to lung issues. I don't ever even get sick like most people, no colds, viruses, things like that. She reminded me I had told her when I had pnemonia 25 years ago that it was really bad. It was - I was deathly sick and had to care for a 2 year old. I couldn't even stand very well, but I refused to go in the hospital. No, I didn't want to repeat that so I let her give it to me.

Then she gave me a little tiny, tiny tube of some stuff and said I might get a little weensy rash, and to use it if I got one. Oh, I got one all right. The injection site started to itch and burn within a few days. I put the stuff on it. I went through the tube, and watched the rash spread. Big time spread. At first I could have covered it with my fingertip, on a Friday. By Sunday, it was from my shoulder to my elbow, spreading hourly, itched awfully, and was quite swollen. It was fuchsia. Nice color, but not for an arm. I couldn't eat, but that didn't matter because I was so nauseated. I could barely drink enough water to avoid dehydration. I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I had a headache. My balance was off. I had a fever. Finally, on Sunday, I was concerned I wouldn't make it to Monday without being violently ill and went to the clinic my doctor owns and asked for some assistance.

They told me the rash was infected,  I had to get a steroid shot, I had to take antibiotics, I had to use ointment, and I had to take Benadryl every 4 hours. I was given a script for Compazine, which was all I really cared about by that time. I also had to put a heating pad on it, and it was hot outside.

I went to the pharmacy with my little scripts, and they told me I had to wait. I suggested they not wait too long on the Compazine, and sat down. I couldn't even browse the store. They gave me my pills, I took a Compazine in the car, and went home. (No, I never even considered asking someone to drive me.)

Within a few weeks, I lost 10 pounds. I was unable to concentrate on anything. I couldn't do emails very well, couldn't read the news online. I couldn't read books for more than a couple of minutes. I even tried watching television, without luck. I couldn't really concentrate on paying bills, but I struggled with it and got most of them out. This lasted, as extreme as it was, for a couple of months. I was just about to seriously find someone to become my conservator when it improved some, and I muddled on.

This never really went away entirely. I started making ADD jokes. I know my reaction at the time was like very severe ADD, and it was very scary. After that is when I started getting more timid, less willing to make big decisions. Sometimes I can't even handle the small ones. At times, a menu can almost make me cry. I don't want to decide what to order, sometimes. Just give me a diet drink without ice and something without cheese, OK?

So this is why, after recent reflection, I went to my doctor and asked for Adderall. He listened, understood my concerns, and gave me 10 mg of Adderall XR to take daily. I called him back yesterday and asked for an increase in the dosage, which he had told me might be necessary. He bumped me up to 20 mg daily.

I feel better able to focus. I have also been getting sleepy in the afternoons and early evening. I told my dr that I had hoped this might help with my lifelong insomnia, but he didn't think so. I am still hoping it might. I am getting more things done, and want to do them rather than forcing myself so much. I can almost see the bigger picture of my Project here in the house that I am working on now. It's hard to explain, but I have been able to only hyperfocus on small things for the last few years. 

 I went out yesterday and looked at an armoire/desk from Crate and Barrel that a couple getting married was selling so they could combine their possessions. I bought it, without having to pace around or feel overwhelmed. It's beautiful, and would be perfect in the foyer area of the condo I want to buy. Tonight I am going to look at a Craftsman dining room set a couple is selling and if I like it, I will buy it. If I move, I don't want to take either my current dining set or kitchen set. (Both the armoire and the dining set would also work fine in this house if I don't move.)

I have felt paralyzed from making some decisions and choices. I just panic, and then walk away from the decisions. Remember how I couldn't decide on the flooring to buy? I think I could go now and handle a decision like that. It used to be so easy, the decisions for a life. I hope they will be again.

Maybe one of these days I can make the plunge and decide to actually go buy the condo. I knew something was wrong when I was stalling on that decision. I found these condos almost a year ago and fell in love immediately. I could focus on details, like the heated bathroom floors, but could not look at the big picture and make an entire decision. I need to be able to make this decision, rather than be waffling around until it's too late.

Waffles are for breakfast.