Read my sign

The Child was laughing at me when we spent all those evenings together last week. Three of them! She finally found out what I am talking about when I say that I have signs on me.

One of them is on my car. It says, "Cut in front of me. Right now." She was amazed to see a car cut across three lanes, almost hit me, and then turn right. There was no one behind me for half a mile. She yelled at me for not hitting my horn. I said why bother? It happens all day long. Usually they are on the phone, have a coffee cup in their hands, are doing their hair, and checking their mascara at the same time they are aiming for me.

Did I forget this sign? My car also has one that says, "Aim for me." I assume all cars intend to hit me. From behind, broadside, or out of the blue. (Perhaps one day a car will fall out of the sky and land on me.) So far, they have all missed. I am pretty alert. Please put the phone down, stop yelling at your kids, eat later on, you don't need that extra order of fries, take the earphone out of your other ear, take of your sunglasses, it's dark out, and do your makeup at home. Shave at home too, OK? I don't want to see that. Get dressed on some other road. I don't want to see that, either. And if you are a guy and I do want to see it - I might accidentally aim at someone else.

I am not really sure if it's, "Aim for me" or if it's, "I am invisible and you can also occupy this space at the same time I do."

When I am shopping, I am still short. People will charge at full speed out of stores and bash into me as I walk by. I don't get that. If you are merging into traffic, shouldn't you look first? If you are really, really tall, you should be used to looking down a bit for us littler people. I guess this sign just reads, "Smash into me." Hey, I am a little harder to push than you expected, aren't I? Practice. I have had a lot of practice. Sorry you bounced off, but I don't want to fall down. It's too messy.

A side note here. I was walking in the mall this morning as usual for a Sunday, and my friend who walks with me wasn't there yet. I passed a man, maybe 5'6" tall, who was probably younger than I am. He was testosteronely challenged by the fact that I passed him. He said, "For as short as you are, I should be able to outwalk you." I bit my tongue, hard, then smiled at him and said, "I walk a lot." I figured that was better than what I was thinking. No sense in both of us being rude.

Children read signs on me, too. One of those says, "Wipe your hands on my clothes." No explanation needed on that one. "I will find you help." This isn't just for children. There is something about me that makes people think, This lady knows what time the mall opens, where streets are, where stores are, where my mom went, what size I wear, what color looks good on me, and what classes I should take next term. Plus, this lady will make my boyfriend stop beating on me. Yeah, that was fun. I had to do that in front of my child on our way into a restaurant once. Was I supposed to just let him do it to her, even if I never saw either of them before?

Luckily I managed to drop the sign that dogs read called, "Pee on my legs." Instead, they read the one that says, "No, of course I don't mind if you wipe your muddy feet and slobber on me. Go for it!"

Should I even get into what men read on me?