The same deja-vu all over again

I have a t-shirt that says, "I fought the lawn and the lawn won." It's true, too. I should live in the shirt from May until November.

When I am sleeping, which isn't really very often, some lawn gremlins sneak into my yard and pour some superfertilizer on my weeds. I swear sometimes that they grow six inches a night. Millions of them crop up. None of this chemical moseys on over to the grass, though. Those gremlins have found a way to leech the fertilizer that I pay to be applied on the grass over to the weeds. It's truly amazing.

The fertilizer seems to work on the wasps and bees, too. When I go outside that one flies over my head and it's a bird. Then I see it, and it's just a five-pound bee. My hair ruffles when it goes by. I can go outside every five minutes and that same steroid-pumped bee is gleefully waiting to divebomb my head. The wasps pay him well to do it. I bet he gets time and a half after dark. The wasps probably have ringside seats for the hornets to watch me sprint.

I set a record on Saturday. I spent 15 minutes working on one bed before I got attacked by anything with stingers. I knew they were sniggering at me from some place in the yard, but I ignored them. They were setting me up, lulling me into a false sense of safety. They will get me again. Get your cameras ready, because I can really dance when I get stung. If one ever goes down my shirt, I will get arrested for indecent exposure when I rip it off while screeching and dancing. On second thought, that isn't a good visual, is it?

As much as I love summer and wait all year for both weeks that we have summer here, I do not enjoy yard work and I truly am terrified of bees/wasps/hornets. I have already had to, uhm, remove three wasps from inside my home this year. I suspect the body count will be high this year. Usually I have less than three in the house for the whole summer. Both weeks, that is.

If I go back to work I will not only have the vampire come here once a week for a heavenly and therapeutic massage, but I will hire the girl next door to do all my bed work in the yard. It would be money well spent. She is special needs and would need direction, but she loves the work and does a good job. I would rather go remove kids from their homes than remove weeds by the roots. It is less stressful.